Apologies for the length of time between this and my last post. You wouldn’t actually believe it but life with a toddler got in the way.
Now, reading that, you would think we were just so ridiculously busy I didn’t have time to sit down and write, but in actual fact I have just been to goddam tired to use my brain.
Once Matilda goes to bed my brain goes too. Not one single thing comes out. From the hours of 7pm to 10pm I just sit there, in front of the TV, staring between it and my phone. I am practically a zombie. Ask my Husband! He has had the shits up with me for 2 months now because I cannot even engage in a conversation with him if it lasts for more than 2 sentences. Usually it goes:
Me: “I want a snack”
Him: “We don’t have any snacks”
Me: “Why do I do this to myself”
Him: “You wanna loose weight”
Me: “Fuck that, I want chocolate”
I crack the shits and then we continue to sit in silence.
Be jealous. #perfectmarriage
But to be real, I 100% thought having a newborn was tiring and would get annoyed with anyone who would say “wait until they’re a toddler”. I genuinely believed they had just forgotten what it was like to be woken up 75,000 times a night.
Yes Tils sleeps through the night, but the 12-13 hours she’s awake during the day are hectic! She is literally the busiest person I know. But the busiest person who needs to still remain in contact with me. Matilda is the ONLY person who has the use for “Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m busy” shortcut key on a smartphone.
She’s busy reading her books or playing with her “bubba”, eating (constantly) OR outside thinking she is a dog. But one eye is always on me… just checking that I’m still there.
So I can confirm, I’ve become one of those people who now say “wait until they’re a toddler”.
But it really is amazing to now sit with her, read a book, have her copy all the words I say (although Fuck hasn’t come out yet – I’m sure it’s close though), making animal sounds, counting to three, and finding the Very Hungry Caterpillar in all her books (even if it’s about dinosaurs we still have to check).
She now has her own ‘bubba’ that she must care for – it’s funny to watch, she cracks the shits because her cute little hat keeps falling off all the time and she gets so frustrated at her for it (know the feeling man). She became that frustrated that I ended up hiding her ‘bubba’ just so I could have a break from having two babies. ‘Bubba’ now lives inside our ottoman. I wouldn’t recommend doing this to real ‘bubbas’ though as you can still hear them cry (so I’ve heard).
I enjoy having my own little best friend who always wants to express her love for me not only through the occasional hug but also through sharing her leftover food with me. My favourite is being given a chip with all the flavouring sucked off it. That’s real love.
She now understands processes and routines. Night time – although still full on when I’m doing it alone, has become a lot easier. As soon as she finishes her dinner she knows it’s bath or shower time. Regardless of whether I’m ready she heads to her bathroom and gets that routine happening. Just tonight I was halfway through eating my dinner and she had already taken off down the hall. I came down to find her sitting in the bottom of the shower waiting for me to turn the water on.
We’ve mastered the night time routine down to an hour; dinner, bath, bottle, book and bed. She knows it, I know it and it works for anyone else who looks after her. Some nights it’s the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I count down until it’s her bedtime just so I can have 5 minutes to myself.
And that got me thinking….
At what point do we stop craving our alone time or our who we used to be?
Sleep-ins are obviously a thing of the past, yet still everyday that I’m not working and Matilda wakes me, for a second I get annoyed that I just can’t wake up once my body has finished sleeping. I crave a sleep-in but when given the chance I feel guilty and end up getting up at the same time because I feel like I’m missing out on getting things done.
Is this what an adult is? Have I become an actual adult? The adult that we look at as kids and think “wow they’re so boring and old.”
Going to bed early still doesn’t stop this feeling from happening.
Does this feeling ever go away? Or do we just eventually give up on the dream and just forget we ever used to sleep in?
For the next 20ish years do we just get up early and give in to the fact that this is now who we are? Even if we don’t want to be?
I’m not super ok with this, but at the same time it means I get to spend every minute with Tils.
But worth it?
If there is any advice I can give to new (or even old) mother’s is don’t try and focus on the fact that we don’t get to sleep in anymore….
Focus on the fact that your partner is a dick and doesn’t deserve a sleep in so wake their arse up!
No LOL jokes. Bless them.
But seriously…. invest in a damn good coffee machine!
Not instant, not pod, but a proper bean grinding, milk frothing, sleek looking coffee machine. Cause I guarantee you, when you feel like you’re having to tape your eyelids open a good coffee will get you through the next hour or so…. 😉